I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
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She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
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i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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