clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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