When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
