god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
