If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
