the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
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He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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