Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
