u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
