is your mom at the bar?
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
