3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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