the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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