we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
