Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
