i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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