Pappa wants mamma naked
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
