I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
