How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
...so i touched it.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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