I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Alive.
So much puke
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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