you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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