Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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