Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
