Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
