you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
