Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
