I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
