the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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