She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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