Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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