How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
