i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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