No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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