Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
