I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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