There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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