Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
