I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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