I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
