I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
