dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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