Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
