I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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