Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
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