I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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