Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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