I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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