I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
