Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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