I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
