the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
and you fell through a lawn chair
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
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