Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
