Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
