I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
