I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
