at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
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At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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